Thursday, 29 June 2017

11 Lessons You Can Learn From a Breakup, Separation or Divorce



Every failed relationship is a feedback system and an opportunity for you to learn and grow. If you don't see the lessons, chances are that you might repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship without even realising it. Here are 11 key lessons that you can learn from any failed relationship, marriage or partnership.


  1. Appreciate don't expect. Rather than having unrealistic expectations from a dying relationship, go back to where it started. Somethings must have happened for you two to get together in the first place. There must have been genuine love. Go back to that feeling and cherish that it happened, be grateful for those happy memories. Try and appreciate that it happened and but don't expect. Expectations at this stage will only lead to disappointment.
  2. Focus on what you can control. In a relationship you can only control about 50% of the things & events as the remaining 50% is your partner. Chances are that you won't be able to control everything that they do or don't do. Its best to focus on what you can do and control to avoid unnecessary disappointment and frustration.
  3. Be kind. Everyone is trying to do their best. Every person has their side of the story and according to their beliefs and values it is the right side. It might not seem that way but it is their truth. So be kind and be patient. Don't lash out and say things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later.
  4. Take responsibility. Any relationship that fails is not entirely one party's fault. There are things that you did or didn't do that affected your relationship. Taking responsibility will also mean that you are taking your power back. Taking responsibility as the creator of your life will also help you get out of the victim mode.
  5. Forgive yourself. A lot of times we subconsciously blame ourselves for failed relationships or failure in general. But acknowledging that and forgiving yourself is very important in order for you to rightly move on.
  6. Focus on yourself and love yourself. This is a great time to turn to self help or to learning a new skill rather than numbing your pain with alcohol, substance, sex, food or Netflix. Loving yourself unconditionally is really important too, don't be too harsh on yourself but at the same time be disciplined enough to take care of your health; physically, emotionally and spiritually.
  7. Don't panic. Don't rebound. A failed relationship can cause a lot of anxiety and you might want to jump into another relationship immediately but just know that panicking and desperately getting into another relationship will not fill the void. If it's a rebound think about how you can potentially hurt the other person. 
  8. Embrace being single. Think of this as dating yourself for a while. Mend your relationship with yourself. Take yourself out for meals, coffee or even travel solo if you can. Meet lots of people and make new friends. Meet people of the opposite sex but not necessarily to get involved. Don't be afraid of being single; Instead of dreading being single, try and enjoy this phase rather than constantly wanting it to pass. 
  9. Ask for the lesson. Every failure is a feedback system. A chance to improve yourself. Ask for the lesson rather than asking 'why me?'. When you ask the right questions, you will get the right answers. This is a great opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes and ensure that you do not take the same baggage to your next relationship.
  10. Forgive your partner. This is not easy but it is essential. Until you hold on to your ex, to what they did or did not do, you cannot truly move on and allow for other better things, situations and people to come into your life. I am in no way denying the magnitude of what might have happened to you in your relationship but forgiving your ex is perhaps the most important step.
  11. Get crystal clear on your vision for your perfect relationship and partner. A big reason why relationships don't work out is because both partners are not crystal clear on their own vision and their shared visions. If you know exactly what you want from your relationship and your partner then you will not settle for anything less. You will automatically know which relationship or person is or isn't  the right one for you.

To conclude I would just like to add that self-awareness is very important as it is self-awareness that sparks growth and evolution. Get to know yourself before trying to get to know anyone else. This will help you make sense of the failed relationship and will help you take the best possible version of yourself to the your next relationship.


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